How do you ask someone out?

Same sex marriage, removal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” from the military, removal of Sodomy Laws,  same sex parents adopting children , the Ellen Degeneres Show, President Obama publicly supporting same sex marriage equality.. wow things have changed.

Before, there was “Ask Ann Landers/Dear Abby”; then, there was “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the U.S. Military.  Now there is a column were we say DO Ask, DO Tell, here at askandtellperry.com  .

So, it’s time for a column on same sex relationships.  A column for everyone, whether they be straight, not straight,  somewhere in between, or friends or family of the aforementioned.
We have a lot to discuss, everything from flirting and dating, to “gay” vs. “not straight” (NS) or “non-hetero” (NH), to sex tips, to the discriminatory dynamic  and repression.  Same sex romantic relationships carry with them obvious and not so obvious added challenges, due to decades of discrimination and defamation.  We must work through this hurt, this constant attack on self-esteem, so that we may confidently proceed to romantic relationship success.

Our first topic?  How do you ask someone of the same sex out on a date, especially if you don’t know their sexuality?  Wow, this can be tricky, esp. for men.  It is both simple, yet complex.  As with other relationship challenges, it’s one of those time, place, and manner things.  I will ask anyone out anywhere and almost anytime if I think they are hot.  But how to do it with the same sex is the challenge.  I have used a variety of verbal ways, sometimes preceded by non-verbal eye contact, and all times preceded by watching and listening to the person’s behavior.

This is where I need your help.  We all have experiences that include valuable information that can help others.   I want to hear from you about your experiences in asking others out of the same sex.  I call this part of my column “Ask & Tell Perry”.  I will include submissions in future columns.

Send your email submissions to:   info@askandtellperry.com  .

I also want your ideas on topics for future columns along with your own input on your experiences.  Only first names, initials, nicknames, or nick phrases (e.g. “Lonely in Seattle”) will be published.
While writing this column, I thought about that old movie “Freaky Friday”.  I think they need to make a movie called “Switching Teams”.   In this movie, two guys who are best friends, one straight & one not, become so frustrated with their own sexuality and related relationships, that they strenuously wish the other had to walk a mile in the other’s moccasins.  They wish so hard, that it in advertently becomes a “spell” on the other friend.  The movie would show the trials and tribulations of one being forced to experience a sexuality not normally their own, and entertainingly also show the advantages and disadvantages of the new experiences.  The “spell” would ultimately break, when the two best friends run into each other, head-on, during a football game, causing  a simultaneous dual concussion, causing each of the best friends to “straighten back” to their respective sexuality.

When discussing sexuality, or anything regarding human personality, it is very easy to oversimplify things, make assumptions, and jump to conclusions.  This includes but is not limited to overusing and misusing the label or word “gay”;  The word does not mean the same thing to everyone, and many make warrants (assumptions) as to its meaning and assumptions as to who prefers to be called gay.  More about this later.  In short, there are many (guys) who are attracted to the same sex, but are not into the word “gay”, are not into lavender, pink, & rainbows, are not into girlie things, and are not into any particular “lifestyle”.. they are simply dudes who are simply attracted to other dudes, period.  Fancy that.    Hence, my use of the additional terms not-straight and non-hetero.

So go out there and ask someone of the same sex out, but only if you’re ready and if you feel the person you are going to ask out is ready to receive your request.   If you’re not ready or they aren’t, I understand, shoot me an email, and let me know what’s up.  Here is a tip:  Be confident, and don’t make assumptions;  This includes not making the assumption that someone is straight or gay, or totally one way or the other.  No one has perfect so called “gaydar”, and I myself, even being an intuitive Virgo, have been thrown for a loop, wrongfully assuming someone’s sexuality on more than one occasion.

The problem is, I know, is that you don’t always know if the person you are wanting to ask out is ready to receive your request.  In other words “are they a raging homophobe”?  I have done this, what I call “testing my reality”, where I just ask a person out not absolutely sure of their “readiness”.  But before I do this, I always chat them up (or “bro them up”) first, to get a feel for their level of friendliness, comfort level (his & mine), etc.  So even if I do get rejected, I don’t feel like I’ve taken a fall.   You have to take risks to succeed in relationships and life, but you want to take educated, calculated risks.

Remember, friendliness can be confused with sexual interest, or any interest, and this is not always the case.  Only time will tell if someone wants to get “friendlier” with you.  Another tip: RE: Language Use:  When asking someone out, do not use graphically sexual language and do not use labels.  The former seems obvious, but the latter– labels, “charged”, or “labelistic” language, is not always so obvious for some.   Unless you are both music majors at San Francisco State University, it is not the best thing to go up to someone you are interested in and say “Hi, I think you’re hot, I’m a gay ‘top’, are you gay?”   Instead, say something like, for example, “Hi, I’ve seen you around, what’s your name?”.  “I think you’re a good looking guy, and I don’t know if you go out with guys or girls, but I was wanting to know if you would go out to dinner with me?”.   More on ice breakers later.

Another tip:  Treat yourself, as you would treat others, including treating yourself as a person first, who just happens to be attracted to the same (and/or opposite) sex.  When you do find out a person happens to be gay (just as if they were straight), don’t assume that they are part of some subculture.   Being gay, in and of itself, is not a subculture or a “community”. Remember, people are individuals first.

Ask and Tell Perry (c) 2012